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(BUKAN) PERSIMPANGAN JALAN

I'M IN (to the game).
If only I could take a look little bit to the future just to know whether i'm gonna regret this or not. Just for my reference. But that's cheating the life. I don't like it. But I can't help to think about it.
Bukannya nggak bersyukur, it's just that i'm being too be overwhelmed with these whole things. So when it showed up like what every person's i could ever think of prediction. I'm fueled with expectations, and i'm suddenly sick of it when it came true. I don't know, I just don't feel it right. Why does it so?

What I don't really like...
The city. I born and grew here. It just I don't really feel that I suitable enough with the atmosphere. I want this city become my hometown, a place I could go home from hectic situation, busyness, exhausted feeling. If I spent my time here, with all my suffering, where will i come home? When I see all the things that make me stressed is around. (Point 1).
Another atmosphere I don't really like, every body talks loudly and with intention to shoot or hurts others. There's only few people I know with good manners. I know my manners isn't good either, but I learn something about well behaved out town. I don't want to become my old-self before I learn all those valuable things. (Point 2).
My old friend said once to me, "Kalau di tempat asal, kamu itu ibarat ikan besar di kolam kecil, homogen lagi! Kalau disini, kamu kembali menjadi kecil, banyak ikan yang lebih besar, karena kolamnya juga lebih besar." I learn to survive. I walk with my own pace. I concern about how i'm gonna live my living. (Point 3).
Here, when i know all the people who love me is here, backing me up, I'd became  this person that we called spoiled children. I will be watched by them. Every single step I'll make. Every single mistake I'll do. And somehow, I don't really like it. But what I can't stand to think abut is if they start to steer what I should do and shouldn't do. With their eyes look into me like I was still a little girl while I'm a very big girl now! (Point 4). Yah, walaupun seringkali kekanakan itu memang ada.
The bad thing about this works is comfortable feeling that occurs when everything is in order, in the proper place. And there's nothing left to do, I'll 'die' sooner or later, my brain will die literally. (Point 5). Everyone seems wants to get this job, while I've been thinking, what ever I do, If I do it with my full soul in it, everything is gonna be OK! Why people wants this job so bad, while I'm not? It's a good job for sure, but I don't really like what common people like. What's wrong with me?

While in the other side....
People are so proud with me. With my honesty, integrity, and my success. I can't let them down. (Plus 1)
This job, from stories around, comes with great opportunity to make dreams come true. (school abroad, travelling duty around country or world, helping this nation to get better from the inside system, full scholarship, a chance for real contribution for this country.) (Plus 5)
This institution is having their best performance from latest years.(Plus 1)
It makes money for me. It makes an autonomous situation I've been dreaming of. (Plus 1)

Which I have to sacrifice...
Hobbies places like cool gift shops, cool malls, cool bookstores, cool clothing stores, cool DVD's sellers, cool snacks, and those cool things I love.
My precious alone and lonely times.
My wake up late time.
My friends, current close friends. (This is really sad)

Where I'm about to make some changes...
New computer with internet connection.
Put on my cable TV.
New motorcycle/car.
My private library.

Maybe I can bare with it barely.
=====================================================================

Read Happily All.
Enjoy!

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